Thursday, January 23, 2014
Reality Check?
I've just wrapped up two weeks of fairly intensive studying followed by my first physiology exam. The new semester brought with it optimism and renewed determination to get it together and stay on top of the mountain of information. I've tried to be kind to myself by engineering a little success. At the conclusion of last semester, I made a pact to study Monday through Friday with one of my friends. The daily accountability has helped me not get buried. Furthermore, I negotiated a most-agreeable weekly tutoring deal with my favorite brainiac. You'd think I'd be set, right? My test score indicated otherwise.
I didn't realize that my new Determination would bring her side-kick Distraction along. In light of all that is going on, I honestly feel like Distraction does have a legitimate claim to some of the real estate in my head. The problem is, my limited ability to concentrate seems to have evaporated, leaving a salty residue behind. I feel like my mind just isn't working like I want it to, and that leaves me more than a little frustrated.
The exhausted feeling that set in on the third day of class has become firmly entrenched. The night after the exam, I slept for 12 hours straight, followed by 9 hours the next night. But the exhaustion is still there. Everything seems to just take longer for me to grasp. It's like I'm part of some bizarre sleep-deprivation study with the subjects being periodically tested. But this Exhaustion isn't purely an artifact of sleep-deprivation. I'm not certain, but I've got a suspicion that Exhaustion and Distraction are in cahoots. Determination doesn't even seem to realize that she's being played.
So today I did something my ego really, really, really did not want me to do. I ratted myself out. I went to the Office of Student Affairs and sat down with the educational counselor to talk with her about all these little Distractions in my life. The divorce, and all that comes with it, is my choice. But that doesn't seem to make it any easier. She pulled up my record and reassured me of how "solid" I was academically. She praised me for keeping so many plates spinning at once. And then, she just listened. It was somewhat cathartic (is that an oxymoron?) to give voice to my worries. By the end of the visit, I felt like I had myself pretty pulled together, but now it feels more like I just sloughed off a newly formed scab.
I don't regret my decision to end my marriage. I have not missed my husband at all since we've separated. I also do not regret my decision to go to medical school. Every day, I feel privileged to be where I am. Yet it's humbling to admit how utterly difficult it is to go through these two things simultaneously. That sounds so silly, doesn't it? No-duh it's hard. Thanks, self, for the reality check.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
The Grind
Is it really possible that I've only been in this new block for
three days? I already feel worn-out. I'm nowhere near information-overload, but it certainly
does not feel like I've had a two-week break. What happened to the rest and relaxation I was anticipating?
Perhaps my current state of exhaustion has less to do with school and more to do with the fact that my vacation was spent settling into the house we moved into back in August, getting my college freshmen ready for her second semester, negotiating a contract to sell my home in another state, and creating new holiday traditions with daddy out of the picture. Yeah. I think it's more that.
Good thing tomorrow is a new day.
Perhaps my current state of exhaustion has less to do with school and more to do with the fact that my vacation was spent settling into the house we moved into back in August, getting my college freshmen ready for her second semester, negotiating a contract to sell my home in another state, and creating new holiday traditions with daddy out of the picture. Yeah. I think it's more that.
Good thing tomorrow is a new day.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
All Wrapped Up with a Bow on Top
Wrapping up the first semester of medical school is a beautiful thing! The hustle-and-bustle of Christmas ain't got nothing on prepping for the end of the block. Honestly, this was my least fussed-over Christmas ever, and I kind of liked that. While shopping, a cashier would cheerfully inquire, "Are you all set for Christmas?" and I would just as cheerfully reply, "It's gonna come whether I am or not." It was good to let go of that worry. Too bad I had other things on my mind.
Our histology exam was one week before Christmas, followed by a comprehensive biochemistry, nutrition, cell biology, and histology final two days later. A friend and I spent the day before the histology exam going through the 30 lectures and discussing what we thought were the top three to five testable concepts from each one. We parted in high-spirits and I rested easy that night. It paid off! I scored in the high 80s on that test.
The first couple of hours after the histology exam felt wonderful! A final exam grade of 65 would have been sufficient for me to pass the class with the required 75. I felt confident that it was well within reach. But then something happened. I don't really know what it was, but all I could think of was how poorly I had done on the biochemistry test. I tried to engage my rational brain. I knew that there were dozens of people who did worse than I did on that first test. I also knew that it was unreasonable to think that they poured themselves into doing well in the second half of the block while simultaneously relearning everything they did not master during the first half. Of course, that rationality did not do me much good. I was a mess.
I can't really put together everything that happened on that study day between the histo exam and the final. I watched some videos, did a few practice questions, looked at high-yield study sheets, but mostly kept trying to keep myself from freaking out. It was not a pretty place to be. But good things sometimes come from being in dreary situations. I finally saw how my approach to studying was out of sync with how they teach and test in med school. Silly, isn't it, that right before my final I exclaimed, "Oh! I've been studying all the wrong stuff!" A light went on. And while I wish that light had gone on a few months ago, I'm grateful that it only took one semester of feeling intellectually beaten-up to get it. That night I went to bed realizing that it was too late for me to make much difference on the outcome of tomorrow's exam, but early enough to make a major course correction in how I approached the rest of my schooling.
And my final? I got an 89. It's easy now for me to say that my anxiety was over nothing, but I know better than that. My New Year's resolution to "do better in school" is a tad more educated with significant insight into how to make that happen. Here's hoping that I wrap up next semester with a little more sanity.
Our histology exam was one week before Christmas, followed by a comprehensive biochemistry, nutrition, cell biology, and histology final two days later. A friend and I spent the day before the histology exam going through the 30 lectures and discussing what we thought were the top three to five testable concepts from each one. We parted in high-spirits and I rested easy that night. It paid off! I scored in the high 80s on that test.
The first couple of hours after the histology exam felt wonderful! A final exam grade of 65 would have been sufficient for me to pass the class with the required 75. I felt confident that it was well within reach. But then something happened. I don't really know what it was, but all I could think of was how poorly I had done on the biochemistry test. I tried to engage my rational brain. I knew that there were dozens of people who did worse than I did on that first test. I also knew that it was unreasonable to think that they poured themselves into doing well in the second half of the block while simultaneously relearning everything they did not master during the first half. Of course, that rationality did not do me much good. I was a mess.
I can't really put together everything that happened on that study day between the histo exam and the final. I watched some videos, did a few practice questions, looked at high-yield study sheets, but mostly kept trying to keep myself from freaking out. It was not a pretty place to be. But good things sometimes come from being in dreary situations. I finally saw how my approach to studying was out of sync with how they teach and test in med school. Silly, isn't it, that right before my final I exclaimed, "Oh! I've been studying all the wrong stuff!" A light went on. And while I wish that light had gone on a few months ago, I'm grateful that it only took one semester of feeling intellectually beaten-up to get it. That night I went to bed realizing that it was too late for me to make much difference on the outcome of tomorrow's exam, but early enough to make a major course correction in how I approached the rest of my schooling.
And my final? I got an 89. It's easy now for me to say that my anxiety was over nothing, but I know better than that. My New Year's resolution to "do better in school" is a tad more educated with significant insight into how to make that happen. Here's hoping that I wrap up next semester with a little more sanity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)