Reality Check?

I've just wrapped up two weeks of fairly intensive studying followed by my first physiology exam. The new semester brought with it optimism and renewed determination to get it together and stay on top of the mountain of information. I've tried to be kind to myself by engineering a little success. At the conclusion of last semester, I made a pact to study Monday through Friday with one of my friends. The daily accountability has helped me not get buried. Furthermore, I negotiated a most-agreeable weekly tutoring deal with my favorite brainiac. You'd think I'd be set, right? My test score indicated otherwise.

I didn't realize that my new Determination would bring her side-kick Distraction along. In light of all that is going on, I honestly feel like Distraction does have a legitimate claim to some of the real estate in my head. The problem is, my limited ability to concentrate seems to have evaporated, leaving a salty residue behind. I feel like my mind just isn't working like I want it to, and that leaves me more than a little frustrated.

The exhausted feeling that set in on the third day of class has become firmly entrenched. The night after the exam, I slept for 12 hours straight, followed by 9 hours the next night. But the exhaustion is still there. Everything seems to just take longer for me to grasp. It's like I'm part of some bizarre sleep-deprivation study with the subjects being periodically tested. But this Exhaustion isn't purely an artifact of sleep-deprivation. I'm not certain, but I've got a suspicion that Exhaustion and Distraction are in cahoots. Determination doesn't even seem to realize that she's being played.

So today I did something my ego really, really, really did not want me to do. I ratted myself out. I went to the Office of Student Affairs and sat down with the educational counselor to talk with her about all these little Distractions in my life. The divorce, and all that comes with it, is my choice. But that doesn't seem to make it any easier. She pulled up my record and reassured me of how "solid" I was academically. She praised me for keeping so many plates spinning at once. And then, she just listened. It was somewhat cathartic (is that an oxymoron?) to give voice to my worries. By the end of the visit, I felt like I had myself pretty pulled together, but now it feels more like I just sloughed off a newly formed scab.

I don't regret my decision to end my marriage. I have not missed my husband at all since we've separated. I also do not regret my decision to go to medical school. Every day, I feel privileged to be where I am. Yet it's humbling to admit how utterly difficult it is to go through these two things simultaneously. That sounds so silly, doesn't it? No-duh it's hard. Thanks, self, for the reality check.