Life, Love, and Letting Go

A few months ago, a physician's wife told a group of married students, "Half of you will be divorced before residency is over." Most of the people at the table looked appalled that she would say such a thing. I just shrugged my shoulders. I knew that was me.

Let me start off by saying that medical school did not cause my marriage to fall apart. I did not become consumed with the magic of medicine, letting all else in my personal life fall by the wayside. I was, in essence, presented with a choice between my marriage and medicine, and I chose me. Medicine isn't the metaphorical "mistress" breaking up my marriage. Treating it as such ignores the fundamental flaws in my relationship with my husband. Medical school is a stressful time. A healthy relationship will be able to withstand the stress. As I've said before, you can find balance as a medical student, but things that are wildly out-of-balance will become even more-so.

Examining the lack of balance in this most intimate of relationships is uncomfortable. There were multiple start-and-stops on my path to medical school over the past five years as my husband professed his support while his actions said otherwise. In the conversation we had before he moved out of the house, he discussed his feelings of resentment over moving to this new town for "no reason." (Yes, my kids are our kids.)

I've had my moments of sadness and regret--sadness that we couldn't resolve our differences and regret that I stayed with him so long. My kids are sad, too, but they aren't dummies. They know that their dad and I have divergent worldviews. We've separated before, including the first month of anatomy when he was working in a different city. They missed him then because he was over 800 miles away. Now they just miss him.

I believe, dear readers, that I'm not the only person in a situation like this: Someone who dreamed of doing something big, but had her life tied to a person who felt that following dreams is selfish and fool-hearty. I believe we all have moments of clarity and vision. I had a strong premonition 18 months ago that if I were to become a doctor, my marriage would end. I thought we would probably split when I was in residency and our youngest child was in high school. Months ago, I found myself wondering if I wanted to legally change my name back to my maiden name before I graduated, even if we were still married. I suppose you could say it felt somewhat inevitable to me.

No, I don't think I am living a self-fulfilling prophecy. I simply think I knew my husband well enough to know that the likelihood of the experience being shared between us (as in "we're in this together") would be slim to none. That feeling played a large part in my backing off from MCAT prep as I "tried on" the notion of not going to medical school. Then I got my MCAT scores and realized how incredibly badly I wanted this. "This" wasn't just medical school. It was so much more. It is so much more.