Happy Medium

Last night I was chatting with a classmate who told me he was worried about grades in classes that we haven't even begun. To this, I laughed.

I really do believe that every one of us in medical school has something to prove. Of course, what that "something" is varies widely. Making it through is a challenge, and no one would do it without some kind of internal drive. That drive has pushed us to the top of our undergraduate classes and being high-performers can make us--collectively--quite unbalanced.

Another one of my classmates let me in on his master gameplan. He has been scrubbing in at surgeries to shadow in the OR and has already begun working on a research project. He's young, incredibly bright, and has very few other commitments in his life. What he is doing is working for him as he preps for an extremely competitive residency. As his friend, my only hope is that he doesn't burn out.

Medical school is not impossible, but it really is an excellent venue for someone to go completely insane. You can push yourself as hard as you can imagine, and still feel like it isn't hard enough. For instance, in the past two weeks, we have had lectures that covered all of the material in the biochemistry class I took last year. There is no way I will know everything that my professors have taught (or, more precisely, included in their PowerPoints), but I have plenty of friends that are currently trying their damnedest to do exactly that. Trying to achieve the improbable just isn't my style.

My experience in anatomy was a terrific exercise in balance. I studied, but I also lived my life. At the end of the block, I took the national "shelf" exam for anatomy. Our scores told us how we ranked nationally. Statistically, my performace in anatomy was average. The thought of being "average"--even when the comparison group is current US medical students--was devastating for some of my friends. I don't mean to come across as apathetic, because, believe me, I'm not. I didn't pack up my life just to fail. I just know that there are other areas of my life where "average" won't cut it and failure will cost too much.

My kids are my everything and they only have one shot at this childhood thing. I wasn't home as often as I liked during anatomy, but I tried to make myself as available as possible and connect with the people I love. This is hard to do when you feel the stress of an impending exam! I warned them that with a major test a week away, I might be leaning a bit towards crazy. They are beginning to get the hang of it, and they are doing quite well. Last night, we roasted marshmallows and ate s'mores in our backyard. My 13-year-old turned to me and said, "You...are...incredible! I love you, Mom." Yeah, I will gladly take "med school average" in exchange for that any day.